Wat the ??!?!?!

I opened my lingerie drawer and I saw something black zipped past into the corner of the drawer. At first I thought it was my eyes playing tricks on me cos it was kinda dim in the room. But I had the sneaking suspicion to be safe than sorry, so I did a little poking around in the drawer just to make sure it was not what I thought it was. Well, what can I say? Buy 4D also not so lucky! KNS!

It was really a ROACH!

So the story goes, I am standing there naked (I just showered what! What do u expect?) thinking what I should do next. I had to get rid of it, I can't just let the stupid thing run amok around my bras and undies! I quickly grabbed an underwear and some clothes, got dressed and took out the whole drawer to the kitchen. It was one of the more traumatising 2 minutes of my life. All the while I was hoping the damn thing doesn't crawl up my hands! I would have probably dropped the whole drawer on my toes if it really had done that. Bleh!

Anyways, the good news is I killed it. Bad news is I have to wash all my lingerie again. Which means that in the meantime, I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR!

I am also thinking of washing all the clothes in the chest of drawers cos I am feeling so uncomfortable and itchy even as I am typing this post. But IF I do that, it will seriously mean that I will have ABSOLUTELY nothing to wear!

Someone please tell me what to do?!

Bike parking by idiots!

I saw this today and realise that I am surrounded by idiots! Stupidity just gets on my nerves.... grrrr....

Eh, wat??!

I saw this prominently displayed at Watson's some time ago. AND, I just had to take a picture of it! Yeah, I am really this 'boh liao'.



If you happen to see a gal taking weird pictures in stores, it just might be me. I love doing that. :)


On a totally unrelated note, here are some pussies.... HAHAHA!

Another atypical conversation

Was out having my said lunch with Friend on Friday and below was what transpired between the two of us. Friend was having some financial concerns, with the downturn and all the uncertainity, so i offered a suggestion (as usual).

Me: Go sell backside! I be your mamasan!

Me: I am very cheap, i charge only 20% commission!

Friend opens her eyes wide and gasped.

Fren: Wat??! I am the one doing all the work and u take 20% for nothing???

Me: Wat for NOTHING?? I get u clients okie! Not an easy job, okie. And i dun find u those cheapo clients, i find u those willing to pay alot.

Fren: Oh that's true. U got direct benefits.

Me: Ahbeden?? U think i so stupid? Find 1 client 1k versus find 10 $100 ones. Of cos take the 1k one rite?? Waste my time isit?! Save time can make more money rite?

Fren: WHO IN THE HELL WANS TO PAY 1K FOR A FUCK??!? Probably some loser who is extremely fat and ugly and can't find any gal to sleep with! Like a certain Mr Lim (I can't say who here cos i dun wanna kanna sued!).

Me: Aiyah, nevermind then. Just put paper bag over his face! The draw '$1000' on the paper bag! Hahahahaa...

Fren: I think i rather put paper bag over my own face cos cover his face still can see the body!

And she proceeds to stick out her tongue in disgust.

Me: Wat if i can find u one who is not fat and ugly but very handsome?

Fren: Then he's probably a psycho who will tie you up, whip and torture you! U mean u dun mind?

Me: I rather take the fat one over the psycho any day.

Twittering

As you probably noticed by now, i haven't been posting much... On the other hand though, i have been twittering quite often. I only have inspiration for one-liners. You can't really blog based on one-liner inspirations, can you? Wait a minute, i suppose you can, but you would probably irritate your readers to hell. Haha.



I took this picture some time ago and really wanted to post it.. But just been too lazy. :P It's a store called 'The Remote Control House' (in a shopping mall!) and it sells nothing but remote controls! Gosh, i mean.. SERIOUSLY! The question remains. How many remotes must they sell each day to break even?! Haha.

What?? What?? Cum (pun intended) again?

Gosh! I saw this book being recommended online and i was like 'there is actually a book written on this??!'. As we would say on this sunny, green island, win lor.

Read the reviews, they are fucking hilarious! :)

Does it make u wanna run out to a bookstore and grab a copy? Wait, make sure u grab a guy on the way back too. You don't wan to run out of the main ingredient right? Hehe.

Are you sure??!

I received a card from Ikea today in the post. On the card, there is this statement that reads 'Over 53% of Singaporean men has never or rarely visited a website with adult content.'

AS IF! My big fat foot! Did they include the population of ah pehs and uncles who doesn't own a computer or don't know how to use them?! Hence the 53%. I bet my last dollar that any hot blooded male (straight or otherwise) who owns a pc, laptop or pda, has freaking visited 'a website with adult content' the last time he touched the damn thing.

Super DUHZ!

Brainless body or bodiless brain?

I was trying to make myself a cup of tea just now when the below happened.

Brain: Send signal to tell hand to put cup under thermoflask.
Hand: Refuse to move.
Brain: Received signal that cup is under thermoflask.
Brain: Send signal to press for hot water.
Hand: Press hot water.
Brain: FUCK!
Mouth: Fuck!

Luckily, no part of me was scalded by the hot water. It just shows how disconnected is my brain from my body and vice versa. Duhz!

I need a brain transplant!

Sheep counting

Okie, who's the smart alec that said counting sheep puts u to sleep is seriously deluded or seriously trying to delude u. So for the lack of a better reponse..... ARGH!

Well, u probably gather by now, i have an issue. A major one at that. I can't sleep!

Counting sheep obviously doesn't work for me... Come on, i mean if one counts up to 3 thousand over sheep, i am quite sure it's safe to say the sheep counting doesn't freaking work!

Or maybe i have been doing this all wrong. Maybe it's the sheep! I should have tried other animals like koalas or ducks or turtles. Hey, guess wat?! Jellyfish sounds good to me! I am so gonna try jellyfish tonight. Wish me luck! :)

Dumb silly me!

Geee! I must be getting crazy or just plain dumber! The other day someone offered to buy me a new bag (while i was out shopping)... a gucci at that... and i... i.... i... actually refused the offer! Yeah. Me. Bag gal (okie, make that shoes gal, clothes gal, perfume gal, cosmetic gal, everything gal too. :P). Oh no, there must be something seriously wrong with my brains and logic that day. I sms-ed my galfren that nite to tell her wat had happened in the day. Below was the gist of the exchange.

Me says: someone wanted to buy me a new gucci bag but i din wan

Galfren says: why??!

Me says: cos i wan a black bag, the bag is not black

Galfren says: u dun wan it can still buy and give it to ME!

Ooops. My bad. Hahaahaa... This is the said bag in question.

But i wan a nice, classic, black bag! Probably something like this?

Ooooooh, look they have it in python skin! LOVELY! Guess it costs a bomb too.

Maybe i will end up with this...

Eh, come again?

I didn't know whether to be flattered or to laugh or to cry or to actually have any kind of response when a friend sent me the following sms forwarded from another friend this evening.

"Did i tell u ur fren (referring to me) looks really hot? The very type i have low resistance to. Couldn't keep my eyes off her."

OH MY GOD! Remember what they taught you in business school? About sending out the correct message to the correct target audience? I think i have been sending out the wrong messages to the wrong crowd... Yeah, the sms was from a GIRL... more precisely, a lesbian. *faints*

P.S. Oh yes, i was wearing one of my new sexy dresses when we happened to bump into said friend's friend. :P

Anyone lost a pair of shoes?

A few days ago, a pair of suspiciously strange-looking shoes (black, lace-ups, well-worned but not all that dingy) appeared outside my doorsteps. I didn't take much notice of them thinking that they belonged to one of my family members. However, after some asking around (cos i didn't see anyone else wearing it), i realised that no one owns that pair of shoes. So the question remains, how did it get there in the first place?

Freaky!

I refuse to blog further about this topic seeing how i am typing alone (again) at 2am in the nite. :P

Who turned off the airconditioning?!

Wat's with this weather? It's been so freaking warm and humid.. I HATE IT. I can't even think straight. I feel my brains (or watever that's left in my skull) rapidly melting away. It's too hot to think, let alone do anything.

Firstly, i can't MSN.
A typical conversation goes something like this:
Fren says: how are u?
Me says: HOT!
Fren says: yeah....
Then, complete silence as we both rot in the heat. Yeah, no kidding.

Secondly, i can't blog. Can't make the effort to compose my withering tots....

Excuse me, while i go and collect in a pool of myself. :P

Is it true?

I was just going through my old magazines (yes, i was that free) when i came across an interesting article in Simply Her, titled 'Tame His Libido'. What caught my attention was the following paragraph below:

"Notice how he comes home from a jog or tennis game in a fantastic mood? That's because exercise causes a rise in adrenaline levels and endorphin production. These feel-good hormones don't just make him feel like Superman, they also increase arousal and orgasm intensity, the effect of which lasts about an hour or more with just 10 minutes of activity."

And i wondered, is that true?! So u mean men feel more frisky after exercising? I thought they will feel tired and sleepy? Men out there who are reading this blog, kindly let me know. Hahaha....

Oh yah, the article forgets to mention, what if he loses his tennis game? Wouldn't it more likely that his mood will be bad than be interested in sex? Hmmmm....

Not amused.

This afternoon as i was happily sitting at home, minding my own biz, guess what happened? I got stalked by a stupid, idiotic, spasticated BIRD! To be specific, it was a mynah. Silly, dumb, i-have-to-kill-it (not that i really would) bird! What takes the cake was that it (said mynah) wasn't just contented with harassing me once.... it had to do it twice! Aaaaaaaargh!

So, the day was really hot and i opened all the windows in the house and even left the main door opened. I was in the bedroom for a while doing something and then i went into the kitchen to get a drink. When i wanted to turn and go out, i realised it (THE mynah) had been hopping behind me! I attempted to shoo it away, thinking that birds usually would fly out the nearest window (don't they normally do that??!). So i stomped my feet and made some loud noises BUT it just looked at me with the most incredulous look, as if to say 'hey, don't be silly, i am not frighten by you!'. Then it hopped even closer to me! Okie, i know i said i am not scared of anything but roaches.... but, but, but... have you ever met a bird who was not to be frighten off?? I have never. :P

Anyways, i realised that i had no where to go but into the toilet which i did and promptly closed the door. i thought it would have flown off by now cos beside the toilet was wide, opened windows. No such luck! I pushed the toilet door slightly ajar to peep outside and guess what i saw? There at the crack was that silly mynah peeping right back at me! I swear! It's true... it was doing this slightly cocked head thing and face to one side with one eyeball staring straight back at me. If that is not called peeping, i don't know what else it's called. I tried to spray some water through the crack and banged loudly on the door, hoping it would be frighten off. Well, that's the best i could come up with given the fact that i was kept captive in my own toilet by a silly bird! Again, no such luck, it wasn't even the least bit impressed with what i could come up with, and even tried to push its way in through the crack! In the end, i stayed in the toilet for at least a good 10 minutes. Of cos, i got out in the end, how else would i be sitting here blogging about this then?

I got (read: ran) out when i saw that it was no longer guarding at the door (thinking with glee that it finally flew out), what i didn't realised at that time was it was still happily hanging around in my house. I got to the safety of my living room and looked at the kitchen carefully to confirm that it's really gone but saw something hopping around my bin instead. The Mynah. :(

All i can say is this was one very determined bird. Very determined to stay in my house that is.

To cut a long story short. I called for help and my saviour came, caught the bird with his hands (cos no amount of chasing seemed to move him) and threw it out of the windows.
Round 1: Mynah 0, BCFUM 1.

Of cos, you would be thinking, no way in hell that it's going to fly up almost 10 floors and find the same unit again. Wrong.

20 minutes later, i saw it hopped in, with an air of arrogance (as if to say 'hey, i remembered how to come back!'), from the main door as if it owns the place! (So that's where it came in from.) I ran towards it and tried to shoo it out of the door but it just flew in over my head. Aaaargh! Then it flew into my bedroom and proceeded to make its claim on MY bed! Nooooooooooooooooooo..... Of cos, i called for help again and out of the window it went again.
Round 2: Mynah 0, BCFUM 2.

Sure, i got smart after the second time, i went and closed the door and all the windows. So thanks to a stalker bird, i got to spend the rest of the day in a self-made sauna. Thanks for nothing Mynah!

I hope i don't have to see YOU again tomorrow. :(

Excuses 'real' men give themselves

1. Only gay men know how to cook.
2. Only gay men know how to dress fashionably.
3. Only gay men know anything to do with interior designing.
4. Only gay men are sensitive to your needs.
5. Only gay men know how to 'communicate'.
6. Only gay men know how to pick up after themselves.
7. Only gay men cry at sappy korean dramas.
8. Only gay men know how to appreciate chick flicks.
9. Only gay men know how to pick out the perfect gift.


Notice how gay men know EVERYTHING. I wan to marry a gay man! Wahahahahaha.....

I feel good.. nah nah nah nah nah nah nah.. I know that I should..

Yup, that's rite. That's how i felt today. Oh wait, make it yesterday. :)
I was out during the day and did 2 good deeds. Yeah, i know... u must be thinking 'Oh my gosh!?!? She did?? The sun must have rose from the west today!' It's not that i am a horrible, selfish, arrogant, egotistc, narcissistic bitch. (Of cos not! How could u be thinking that?? Now i feel soooooooo sad. Haha!) It's just that i subscribe to the "Every man for himself" school of thought. If u dun help yourself, who in the world is going to help u? No?

So back to my 2 good deeds... Actually, they are no biggies. Just a small gesture on my part but it's something that not much people in our 'first world' country seem to be willing to do so. Make a guess... wat do u think i did today? I gave up my seats in the train on both occassions! :)

The first good deed was on the train to town, an old man came in and i stood up to give up my seat to him although he was standing some distance from me. He got off a few stations later though, while poor me continued to stand until i got to my stop. But it's okie.
The second time was on the trip back home. I was actually engrossed in my magazine and din notice a heavily pregnant woman standing in front of me. By the time i looked up, i guess she has already been standing for a while cos she looked quite tired. Of cos, i immediately stood up and offered her my seat which she accepted gratefully. Wat made me wonder was... why din anybody else offer her a seat?! There were many other abled-bodies planting their fat, lazy butts on the train seats too. I don't suppose they are all blind rite?

And counting...

I just did a stock check on the amount of lingerie i owned. And realised with a mixture of amazement (when did they get this many?!?!) and a little disgust (how did i end up spending so much on them?!?!) that i could wear one new undies every day and it would take me more than 1 month before i got back to the first one! Talk about A LOT! Hahahaa...

Sitting in the drawer were over 20 pairs of lace bikinis, boyshorts, thongs and g-strings! That's not including those comfortable cotton briefs that one wants to wear on any plain, old day. For the uninitiated who are lost in lingerie jargon, please refer to Victoria's Secret for a comprehensive show-and-tell. NO! Of cos not! I am not going to pose in my undies for u! Watever gave u THAT idea? Duhz.....

And we have not even got to the bras and sleepwear yet! At last count, i have around 20 bras and 20 slips/babydolls. Now, i could do a fashion parade and it could last all night! Wahahaa...

I think i should be banned from any lingerie shopping, at least for the time being! Wat? U thought i was going to say 'forever'? Ha! Right. :P

Not well

My quota of being seriously ill for the year arrived early this year. I seldom fall sick, but when it does happen (which is about once a year), it's often with a vengeance. It happened on the 3rd day of Chinese New Year. So there goes all the visiting, partying, eating junk, drinking junk and basically gambling oneself silly (oh wait, i dun gamble unless it's overnite mahjong!) this year. There i was feeling strangely headachey when i woke up on that fateful day. As the morning passed, i felt hotter and hotter, my throat was getting more sore and the intense thumping in my head just refused to go away (no... it din have anything to do with all the late nites of the 1st two days of CNY, in fact i din even celebrate CNY but that's another tale for another day).

So i was lying there with watever life that was left in me for most of the afternoon. Evening came and i started to, guess wat? Puke my guts out! (It just gets better, no?) First was my lunch, followed by the little bit of red bean dessert i had for tea and the final straw was the meds that took after the last mentioned puke. By that time, i was a total wreak, my head was spinning in ten thousand different directions. I laid on the couch and refused to move a muscle. When i finally felt well enough to stand (without collapsing over), it was already 11pm. I had to be dragged to some 24-hours clinic at god-knows-where and waited with this ging-gang of people who, (looked relatively well to me), had nothing else better to do than to fight with me to see the doc in the middle of the nite. At last, after 10 over other patients, it was my turn. The doc said 'gastric flu and throat infection'. A jab at my butt and tons of meds later, i was able to go home. Needless to say, i crashed for 3 days.

BUT, that's not all, the 3 days later, i had diarrhea! For the next 2 days! Apparently, my gastric hasn't fully recovered. Yes, apparently.

Headache, fever, vomiting, coughing, sneezing, sore throat and diarrhea. I got everything i can for the year in the past week. Exciting, no? Yeah, i survived. Hooray for me! :(

Oh yah, happy Chinese New Year. Gong xi fa cai!

Sex scandals

Tsk, tsk, Edison baby. How could u? Okie, i mean u could (technically) but to 'lose' the pictures?! Now, that's extremely DUMB. Okie, probably not much loss to u cos u are the guy here. But then, the whole world now knows how big (or small) u are... Hahahaaa...

Then, there is the question of why did the not-so-smart female allow the pics to be taken in the first place? (Everyone say 'DUHZ' altogether now.)

Okie, i shan't blog about the stupidity of people anymore. By 'anymore', i mean 'for the moment'. Wahahahaaa....